The Bitch and The Girl's Logic

Hi, I’m used to be a heartbroken man. I’m now 23 years old... and this is my first time writing. The reason I wrote this story is because life is a bitch. 

I just came across a blog of this person that wrote how broken she was being left off from a relationship, how sad and a victim she always has been. The jerk that was being very mean to her, well, you guess it... ME. 

But you know what, enough is enough. Being called with all the things I really am not; a liar, a cheater, and worse of all, a hypocrite. Well... everyone knows her side of the story... but do many people know my side? This is my story. 

Six years ago, I thought I found a person. The person that every time I see her face, I’ll tell myself:

“This is the girl I want to marry, accompany me for my whole life. The girl that completes me...”

Well... it didn't work out that way it seems... why? Because three and a half years ago... I broke up with her... The reason? Well... she’s a bitch. The story? Well... it went somehow like this:

After one year we'd been together.... I ended up in UKM... And she was somewhere else... It went somehow fine after a year.. And that’s almost two years after we'd been together that it seemed that she tended to distant herself away from me... I don’t know why, but every time I text her, she somehow just ignored most of it. Besides that, when i rang her, she liked to scold me. But you know that 'love is blind', so I convinced myself that whatever she’s mad about, it was because of my incompetence and my wrongdoings. To make it simple, whatever she’s mad about, it was my fault. Like an idiot, I apologized to her for whatever I did (which I had no idea what it is). 

The agony. 

Since then, I became more depressed than ever. I started to bleed myself. The scars on my left hand are still visible until today. Yes I know that was stupid, but hey, I’m not stupid enough to cut myself so deep to death!

Oh, did I forgot to mention that she’s extremely jealous? She never let me befriend any girl. There as a time,  I ate lunch with two of my girl classmates. She found out and claimed me cheating on her. Because of that, I  did not befriend any girls in UKM anymore. I stay in KTHO College, but most of my friends there are ROTU. So, whenever they had lunch, dinner or go anywhere else, they did not invite me to come along. Without realizing it, I’m a forever alone guy in UKM.

With only her texts and calls, I look forward on... 

Because of my massive depression, my studies seemed to decline from time to time. I also suffered from insomnia. I couldn't sleep at night. I took Panadols, (sometimes up to 14 tablets) just to let myself sleep. Whatever in my mind, it was always the thought of her. Always in mind I had questioned myself,

“What is my fault? What's the reason I’d been ignored? What did I do wrong?” and so on. The questions pounded in my head over and over.

During my time in Bangi, I tried to visit her quite a number of times. She studied in Kuantan, Pahang but still I tried my very best to visit her. Sometimes I borrowed a car from my brother or my cousins. I made myself sure to save some money for that travel, means sacrificing some of my dinner and lunch time. It seemed that seeing her face will make me feel complete again. If I couldn't borrow the car, I take the bus instead. I spent my two days weekend just to see her. I made sure that there was no class on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. When I reached there, I knew that everything I'd done was worthwhile. Seeing her smile always make me happy. In Kuantan, I went to date with her. Movies, shopping, lunch and dinner seemed to be so blissful with her. Just walking beside her makes me feel really glad and joyful. At night, I slept with my friends there but most of the time, I slept in the car. But I didn’t care about all that, all I want is to be with her.

However, all that changed overnight when I was kicked off from UKM is because I failed my studies. “digagal berhentikan” (Fail and expelled) were the words that seemed to hunt me until today. I cried a lot. I was totally afraid of my life. I was too embarrassed to even talk to my parents. 

“How am I going to break the news? I’m a failure. I want to make my parents proud of me, but I failed. How am I going to tell them? How?"

I could still remember that day clearly, so clearly that always a drop of tear flowed from my eyes whenever i remembered it. I didn't have an internet connection in my house at that time. I only told my brother about my results. Still crying, my mum came into the room, comfort me and told me that everything is ok.

Guess what, the comforting word from my girlfriend is just a text saying that "It's okay". Well, I thought that was nice. Only that after a few days she told me that I didn’t love her, that’s why I failed myself. If I truly love her, then I would not fail my studies because without studies there’s no work, and ultimately no money. How am I going to provide her with happiness when we're married? 

After those harsh words, things kept getting worse. She started to scold me and told me things like I’m stupid and an idiot. ‘bodoh’, ‘bengong’ and ‘bangang’. All my time when I was with her, I would always make sure that I will not call her that. Nevertheless, she also told me that she would never tell her parents about my dismissal from UKM because,

“Saya malu dengan mak ngan ayah saya pasal awak”. (I'm ashamed with my parents about you).

But even after all that, I said to myself that these are my entire fault. I could undo all of this. I could make all things better again. I had to, if I want to be with her. Those words keep me going on the path. I had this relentless illusion that she still spare a portion of her heart to love me. 

I applied for UPM using my matriculation results. In five months time, I would get the results. So, I decided to work because her birthday was just around the corner. I worked with my uncle as an office boy. So I decided to make something really special for her. For two weeks, i made a bouquet of flowers, made entirely from paper as a gift for her, in order to impress her. Not only that, I also bought her a DKNY perfume. On weekend, I went and met her in Kuantan. I drove there for about two hours just to give her my present, only to hear that she did not want to see me because she was too busy with her studies. Luckily, my sister was also in Kuantan, so I went and met my sister in a shopping complex.

Just a few steps in, I stopped. I rubbed my eyes a few times, thought I could not believe those pair of eyes. Yes, my girlfriend was there too, in the shopping complex.

Then I realised that it was not that she was busy with her study. Her parents were there too, to meet her. The actual reason she wouldn't want to see me because she was too embarrassed about my dismissal to her parents. Could you imagine what I feel about that? That night, I slept in the car again. I cherished myself with a false hope to see her the following morning. As usual, she still did not want to see me. So, I drove back to KL. During my way back, I phoned her, telling her that I just want to give her the birthday presents. But still, she refused to meet me. With her big box of presents at the back seat and a few drop of manly tears, I continued on driving.

The reasons that she refused to see me even after her parents went back are still a mystery to me. I really had no idea what I did wrong. Still, I convinced myself that all of this was entirely my fault. There was also a time that she said that I was only using her for pleasure. She said that I didn't really love her. I’m a man; I made mistakes and sometimes succumbed to lust. I told her that I’m not using her, that I was really in love with her. To convince her, before I meet her, I told her that I will punish myself for whatever I did wrong. Driven by guilt and regret, I poured boiling water on my left hand, the agony wasn't only on the skin, but also  burning from the inside out. The sting and pain from that only faded away after I slept during the night. 

Whenever I want to meet her, she told me that she won’t see me for doing something stupid like that. Still, hoping that she didn’t really mean that, I went again to Kuantan, waiting in front of her college block. But that only led to the same result, she still refused to see me. So again, I drove off, back to KL. 

After that, I went back to JB, because my mum wanted me to help her with selling 'kuih' before I continued my studies. For three months, I helped my mum on that business. Every day except Wednesday I would wake up at 8 am to help prepare the 'kuih'. Then, I drove to the stall and sold them until 8 pm. After that, I would clean the store and drove back home, reaching there at 11 pm. Because of that, I was really tired and didn’t really have the luxury to text or call her all the time. As expected, she claimed that I did not care about her anymore, like I used to be. Before this, when I text or call her, she ignored me. But when I was too busy for that, she then said that I didn’t care about her. From that time, my despise for her started to emerge from within me. 

There was a time in JB I suddenly felt really weird. My instinct told me that something bad was happening. Upon intuition, I called her, only to find out that she switched off her phone. I tried to call her again and again until the next morning before the Friday prayer. However, no matter how hard I tried, I could not reach her. So after that, I rang her father telling that I can’t reach her by phone and I was really worried. After the Friday prayer, she called me and started to scold me for calling her father. I asked her why she switched off the phone, but she continued to say that it was none of my business. She won’t be telling me why, so I just left it that way.

One day, she texted me that her mom was sent to the hospital. I just reached home and was really tired. Also, I was really pissed of her for everything that she did. So, I called her and told her that I want to go to sleep and I will talk about her mom tomorrow morning. The next morning, when I called her, she told me her mom was sent to the hospital because of stroke. I told her I was sorry for last night for being a jerk. She then went on telling me that, as her boyfriend I should never do that, and she had to rely on other people about her transportation to her home in Perak. I told her that I couldn't do anything for her for the transportation.

But still, she won’t listen. I won’t blame her for that; her mom was attacked by stroke. Then I told her that I want to meet her mom. She won’t let me because for her, I really never care about her. Worst of all, there is another friend, which turns out to be a man (imagine how deeply frustrated I was) who already helped sending her home. I then told my mum I want to take a day off to see her sick mom in Perak. So, that night after finishing my work. I took a bus to Perak. From JB to Perak took me approximately 9 hours. On the way there I texted her telling that I was on the way. She replied,

"Don’t come, I don’t want to see you now”. 

I ignored it.

When I reached there, I texted her again telling her that I already reached there and I wanted to go to her house. I was already going for a cab when she called me and told me that if I really love her, I should not come to see her on that day. She then told me that the state of her family was too unstable for me to go there. I was demoralized. All I can do is telling her that I did love her. I then went back to JB exactly at that moment. At home, my mum asked me about her mom’s condition, I replied,

“Stroke mama, you know...”

I lied my own mother. 

A few weeks later, I heard that her family was going to Shah Alam’s hospital. It was my luck because coincidentally, my mum was going to KL to meet my aunts. So I told my mum I wanted to go and meet her. Since it was already been a few weeks after that incident, I was sure that she was ready to meet me. I borrowed my cousin's car and drove to Shah Alam. Upon reaching there, I asked for her address. She then told me that she was too busy with her mom to ‘entertain’ me.

That was too much. She really got me on the nerve and I couldn't resist this feeling anymore. To my shock, I said something I had never say before. I told her that I did not even want to see her. I just wanted to see her mom. My blood was boiling with anger and I really was on the verge of exploding. For too long she ignored me, gave lame excuses, and ridiculed me. It was far too long.

I told her that we were parts of the family. Her family is MY family.

“Kalau keluarga saya sakit, takkan saya taknak jumpe diorang?”

“Saya takkan jumpe awak, saya nak jumpe mak jer! Pastu saya balik!"

"Awak taknak tengok muke saya itu hal awak!”

I was already starting to shout.

“Awak balik je, saya taknak jumpe awak, takkan saya nak layan awak mase mak saya sakit?” she said.

She then hung up the phone. I stopped the car by the roadside.I told myself, "This is too much, I can’t take it anymore". She lied to me, she embarrassed about me, she ridiculed me, she took me for an idiot. I could not take it anymore.

I called her again and told her I’m breaking up with her. If she didn't want me in her life, fine, then I’m willing to let her go. She cried, and so did I. 

After 8 months, she distanced herself away from me. That was the two and half years into my first ever relationship. I ended it. I let her go. That day also marked the day that she begged me to come back to her. I then told her to tell me the truth about everything. The reason why she won't see me, why she distanced herself from me and so on. She then started to explain to me about various things.

However, all the excuses changed and varied from time to time, as if she got mixed up between the truth and the lies.

She also told me that the reason I could not reach her by phone was because she was sleeping with another man. Could you imagine how pissed off I was at that moment? I kept shouting and shouting to her. Meanwhile, that was the time I was in my early days in UPM. I trashed my room because I was really not in a good shape and condition. My mind was too messed up.

But then, she told me that she was just lying about sleeping with another man. She merely said that because I didn't trust her enough. Well, you know what... FUCK OFF! Fuck all of it. I do not care anymore. I would never trust her again. Fucking lying, dishonest, twisting tongue, the mother of all whore bitch. I just won't trust her anymore.

Back then, she blamed me for everything, and everything was my fucking fault. Now she begs me like a hell of bitch. She told me, that she's willing to meet me, kneels before me and apologies in front of me so that I would accept her again. Well, I guess you know what should I reply,

A big fat "NO, I WON'T GO BACK TO YOU, NO MATTER WHAT. I WON'T..." 

Then, I found my current girlfriend. I love her very much. I really do. Well... Too bad it is not as crazy as my first love, but I love her with all my heart. She once told me a phrase that I still remember until now,

"Love yourself first, and then you will be able to love others".

I do love myself first. It also reminds me that I will never be as pathetic and useless like my old self; the depression that drove me to cut myself and the complete waste of my first degree which had burnt unto my own hand. I won't be that person anymore.

As for my current girlfriend, I love you and please do not be like her, the one that I had mentioned in so many paragraphs above. Also, please remind me not to be like her too.

As for the bitch, thank you. You had changed me into a strong-willed man as I am today. A man that treats love as nothing but a precious part of life. A man that has his own pride and will not succumb to being lied upon or ridiculed like before. I wish for your happiness, as you are already engaged and soon to be married. I also want to wish your future husband tons of luck and patience because, trust me, he will really need it.

If I can travel back in time, to the day when you first texted me telling me that you want to befriend me, these are exact words I should have told you,

FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKING HEARTBREAKING TONGUE TWISTING LYING DISHONEST FUCKING BITCH!

Still, all the best, I wish for you happiness, bla bla bla...

Take care.

This is a true story.
This is my story.

Credit to: lalilulelo